Desires, Fear, Risks, Change

Note: Coherence is irrelevant in this post. Pardon the author.

***

I have been through a lot lately – well, not exactly a lot as people would assume it to be but I am having a lot of realizations despite my being out of the loop because I have been craving for sleep most of the time.

I have had plans which I thought would push through but then again I have also encountered changes which I haven’t expected to happen.

I have been seeing several beautiful things happening for people around me. Of course, it would be a lie to say that I don’t feel even the slightest envy on what they have achieved because I wanted it to happen for myself and I want to make it happen for the people around me. Sometimes I would ask myself if I am just afraid of taking risks or if I am not capable enough of achieving what they can. But then, my happiness for these people who are able to do so is not unreal.

With those things said, though, I only want a simple life. But before settling into simplicity, I want to challenge myself and try reaching greater heights.

I came across my message archive a while ago and remembered the beautiful exchanges I have had with a friend, who I would leave unnamed for the moment. This was during the time I was experiencing the problem that is burn out. I hope once she finds out, she will not mind my sharing of her story. More than a friend, she has become an elder sister to me, and all her advices have become lessons and inspirations for me until now.

***

She is a pampered princess. She grew not lacking anything, and even during the time she started working, she was really earning big time! I can attest to that because I got to know her for quite a time already.

But then again, she was not happy. She even told me that working for a service-oriented type of establishment has been a humbling experience for her to the point that she would help her crew with even the most menial tasks. At the end of the day, though, the only question she would as herself is “Do I like what I am doing?” Despite being dead tired physically and mentally, money has been lacking! She used to receive a minimum of  Php 20,000 without her other incentives and suddenly, she would receive Php 4,300 which isn’t even enough for the payment of all her utilities.

What she told me is I should not hold myself just because I am earning high. Like her, she is doing what she does because she enjoys it, she is learning so much not just with the job but with the people she is with.

The best thing I heard from her is I should not be afraid to start from the beginning. Logically, it would put to waste everything that I have already accomplished but a beginning is always a given chance so it should not be wasted. That it’s harder to look back and regret the things you didn’t try doing just because you were afraid.

She also told me that if I won’t be able to buy another pair of Charles & Keith or that new dress from Zara or Mango, so what? It couldn’t give me joy in the long run because I can only find that in simple things (Note: I know she’s not being bitter here because I know she has had a lot!) It would be really hard at first especially when people around you would brag about their latest gadget purchase, their latest travel, or their latest boytoy (LOL on this) when you can’t even afford to buy yourself a tall order of frapuccino. As she said, there isn’t a piece of clothing that doesn’t wear out, a gadget that won’t get wrecked, or a place you can’t go to in the future.

Right now, she is thankful that she had and has a choice. She has no qualms or complains whatsoever, only gratefulness for everything she has been through and everything she has right now.

***

I’m thankful there are still people like her who has learned a lot about life and is not afraid to share it with such a kid as me; that there are still people like her who has found the joy of and in living simply. I still have a lot to go through and still have a lot to learn. But I will always cherish these words from my dearest sister.

Plans

We can make our own plans,
    but the Lord gives the right answer.

Proverbs 16:1, NLT

The verse above is part of my Bible reading yesterday. And there are lots of passage in the book which lines are along this.

Many of my friends know that I have plans leaving the company; the reason is that I feel underutilized. Also, I would like to live my life normally again (i.e. work on a day shift - the earlier, the better. Hehe) so that I could spend more time with my loved ones which I failed to do so the past almost a year.

Many of the people I know know as well that I am actively seeking for another opportunity. In fact, I don’t know where I will be going, I just want to get out of here because I feel so stressed. Not because of the work load or the people (but sometimes, yes ) but because I can’t do things which I love doing. I know it takes a little sacrifice to reach your goals but sometimes I feel so deprived.

I tried my best to find my way out. I seeked for opportunities. This time, I tend to be more choosy since I don’t want to commit any “mistake” I have done in the past. They come and go but I don’t find anything which seem fitting. I also have plans of applying for a scholarship abroad, to the point that I think I am just making it a scapegoat to get out of here (I really have plans but well, I don’t know if my goal should be career>school, especially if I have to give up my blossoming career just to live my life independently overseas.)

But you know what? His ways aren’t mine. Just when I’m in the brink of giving up, a light has shown.

I still have to know where all of this leads. I have my plans, or probably the lack of it for the moment (Heck! I just want to sleep and watch my DVDs! I know it’s selfish but I’m drained. T_T) But then again, the last verse of Proverbs 16 says, “We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall.” (Proverbs 16:33, NLT) So I leave it up to Him. His ways are better than mine and His plans are greater, too.

Achievements, Farewells, and Beginnings

So yesterday was a zombie day for me. I spoke at the recognition event on my high school in the morning and I came with my family for my brother’s high school graduation in the afternoon. A rundown of the events and observations:

1. No matter how you’re used to it, jitters always come in handy when you are going to do something in front of a crowd. Whew! I’m glad it’s done.

2. Never in my life did I imagine having a conversation with my first serious crush. What more, we were seated right next to each other on the stage yesterday (not to mention something else. Haha! No telling, it’ll be too obvious na.) It isn’t awkward, though. You know, one thing that really is inevitable in life is change. Had it been my 13-year old self doing the talk yesterday, I’d probably sit there totally tongue-tied. Hahaha! (But then I realized, he has always been my epitome of a perfect guy. Nobody with the sames specs actually followed suit. )

3. No matter what experiences you have had with your teachers in the past, they will always be happy to see you. Yes, the will reminisce on who you were and the things you have done (some might be embarrassing!) but they would feel proud of what you have been after all the years that have passed.

4. The speech you have given in elementary would most likely sound like a declamation piece. I listened to the way the elementary first honor delivered her talk and it’s really like that. I wonder if it’s the same for everyone.

5. It’s never embarrassing to meet your old friends! I’m so happy seeing some of my classmates yesterday. Haha! We might not have seen each other for such a long time but being able to talk with them about random things is super awesome!

6. Remembering how idealistic you were when you were younger.

7. Parents would always feel proud of their children.

8. Bonds are built to last. I saw how my brother’s pre-school love interest being truly grateful with my mom and my brother’s godmother. I mean as kids, my brother and her grew apart but the family ties were still there. :’)

9. Never say never. I told myself I’d never speak in an event for my school because I was shy. Haha! Fail.

10. With all the time that has elapsed, God is always good. There’s always a reason to be thankful. There’s always a reason to celebrate.

That Piece of Land

I am a person who loves any body of water but certainly cannot swim. I still love it, though I know it could kill myself if go into a deeper part of it. No wonder the Israelites were afraid of crossing the Red Sea when they were set to a journey towards the Promised Land.

A lot of us might be familiar with how the Israelites behaved during the journey; heck, they were complaining even when they were still in Egypt! Then again, they were all set to return to the land promised to them until they came across the sea. And for their reactions, I suggest you read Exodus 14: 11-12. And oh, it hit me! I’m so guilty of such!

Like the Israelites, most of us trust God only until we see no land anymore. And I personally learned that I need to hold on to faith and realize that even if the other side of the ocean is out of sight, He could lift up the waters for us to pass.

Remembering My First University Crush

Last week, UPCAT results were released. Of course, a lot of people had some time reminiscing about the time they first set their foot in the university. And I was one of them.

*segway*

My parents did not like me attending UP, particularly the Diliman campus. For them, there is too much liberation and I may get corrupted. I insisted; not because I want to be corrupted (LOL) but because it has been where I wanted to study. Ever since. And this was something I prayed for so hard and I just knew I will qualify, and when I did, there’s no point of letting it go.

*end of segway*

I have lots of fond memories of UP. ☺ I never regretted that I chose to study here. Meet a lot of people, learned a lot, had a different look on things… Another thing that I would always remember is my first college crush. Hahaha. Geez.

It was the second day of classes. I was terribly lost in the university, I did not attend my classes the first day because we had a college orientation (You know, akala mo parang high school lang na excuse ka sa klase kapag may orientation kayo. So I wasn’t worried. Yun pala grounds yun for cancellation of your slot in the class. #afraid) I didn’t attend my first class on the second day, too, dahil sa maling akala (E mas strict pala si prof ko sa Soc Sci 2! Buti na lang she let it pass.) so I just attended my second class after the university orientation  - Math 17.

So I was there, riding the Toki jeep going to Math. When it was time for us to get off the jeep, the guy I was seated across to, being his most un-gentleman self went off before me. (I don’t know with the other women but I still value chivalry, thank you.) Walang pansintabi. Talagang mahangos ang pagbaba niya e hindi naman oras ng klase nun para siya magmadali.

Then the person beside him was Jansport (this is my/our code name for him because it’s the bag he uses). I was too disappointed with kuya 1 pero Jansport, making me get off first in a way I can’t explain, did it all to make my mood shift. Hehe. Ang hayskul nito ano pero natuwa ako sa ginawa niya.

So I found out he’s a freshman, too. He was also having his Math 17 class on the room next to mine and he’s from Engineering because that section was reserved for several Engineering blocks. (Not that I researched for it a. It was from kwentos from my classmates since our section is a mix of people from different colleges. And I’m not making excuses or reasons. Hehe. #defensive)

All throughout the semester, we would be riding the same jeep off Math. Or I will pass by him in the building while we were waiting for the class before ours be dismissed. It was extended because I failed Math 17 during the first take. I assumed he also failed because I saw him on a Math 17 class the following semester, too. Hahaha!

Semesters passed. I would sometimes see him all over the place. If I remember it right, we were even introduced to each other by a friend’s friend he was with when me and my friend watched a Maroons game in Araneta. But the rain was heavy then, I didn’t caught his name.

And I never found it out.

Last Friday of the Year

Been kinda masipag with writing these days because it seems like a lot of things are happening everywhere. Geez. It’s just the beginning of 2012 but… Well, I’m not complaining, just stating a fact.

Anyway, before we welcomed the year, I celebrated a year-end party with my PFG friends. Not our usual celebration which involves an overnight pigging-out party somewhere in Ortigas. Hehe. But yeah, we still pigged out but something important also happened.

We all decided to meet up in UP (a little background about how PFG came about here), particularly in AS so that we could easily find one another. Four of us, Yan, Joy, Marife, and me decided to meet earlier (but it never happened lol) to prepare something for Kuya Mike and Lei – that is, because something is happening. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!

Well, we managed to be early. We were texting the couple but neither was replying only Lei replied; however, we can’t determine if it’s time for us to go to AS yet. We still went hoping that what should be done was done when we arrive so that our “plan” wouldn’t fail.

Welcoming 2012

I woke up to 2012 with a sore body. I wonder why because all I did during the new year’s eve is watch MBC’s Gayo Daejun. (Don’t judge me, please. ) Good thing, I requested to be assigned for the exhortation on the second service because I might wake up late. Although I was awake early enough to be able to attend the first, you know how it’s like after the holiday. Hehe.

But then, yes, I was able to attend the morning service. Yay! And it’s a good thing I did.

The message for 2012 is that this is a year of establishment.; in governing the blessings that God is giving us. Some things might not happen yet in 2011, not because we were punished but probably because we “don’t deserve it” – meaning God knows what is and when is the best for us.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Be thankful in all circumstances…” But why do we need to thank in all circumstances? Because everything is done  (in the cross, two thousand years ago, that is.)

My 2011 isn’t perfect. I may have received a lot of blessings but I also have several regrets. But it won’t stop me from being grateful because I know the Big Guy up there has done something for me; for us all.

And claiming that this is a year of establishment, I told my friend, Yan, that it doesn’t only apply to buildings or careers. I know we all have something we want to establish this year. How are you starting off and what are you gonna do to accomplish it?

Happy new year, everyone!

What is a Testimony?

A friend came to me one time, asking me this thing, “How can you testify of God’s work in your life to other people if you have been a good person since you could remember?”

I somehow remembered, not once has it happened, that a person will come to me and tell me, “You’ve always lived straight since you were a child. You have never gone astray.” What they don’t know is I have.

The Makati Walking Tour

My friend, Yan, and I scheduled a “first life” date to talk about several things that involve our real life (Note: Errr… We somehow have a second life but let us keep this post first life-centered. )

We planned having our lunch in 101 Hawker Food House in Urban Avenue. Our excitement and craving for Asian cooking was disappointed, though, as upon arriving the place at around 1:30PM, one of the servers told us they’re closed. And they were supposed to close at 3PM. But as we don’t want to stress out ourselves and as we want to make our day productive, we began our walking tour…

Since the original plan is Asian food and we want to go to a place we haven’t been to yet so I suggested Little Tokyo. This is a place where a bunch of authentic Japanese restaurants are located. We opted to eat in Kagura, one of the restos opened at that time, and also, because I have been craving for something which they specialize in. *wink*

The owner, obviously, is a baseball fan.

Of Wars and Disasters

Last Saturday, me and my family (minus my younger sister who is at work) met with my father’s missionary friend who is attending a conference here in Manila. As you can see, my father is a seafarer and he met Bro. Robert when their vessel landed in South Africa.

Bro. Robert is a missionary to a lot of seafarers, many of which has become his friends. My father is one of them. I remember before, I was the one sending emails to him and his wife during the time that technology was not yet a trend (and my father, not yet that techie). Last Saturday, aside from us, several others visited him and there are still more who want to see him until their conference finishes end of this week.

My family with Bro Robert (center)